So apparently I don't blog anymore.
Kind of ironic that I'm saying this in a blog post, but it's true. My posting on here has been spotty at best both this year and the last (the Langkawi posts only got done because I forced myself to get them up so I'd have something to remember the trip by, a habit instilled in me by my mother), and I've been saying it's because I've been busy. While that certainly has been the case, I think there are other reasons behind it as well, ones that I've kind of been batting away for a while now.
I started blogging when I was thirteen. Maybe it was just me, but at that age, I was bent on putting myself out there. Like, all of myself. Every feeling, thought, experience, and event was articulated and blogged about, and while that honed my writing skills a fair bit, it's also super embarrassing to look back on. (My old blog is now Private, and probably should always have been.) I was also very forward with my likes and dislikes, and my -- in retrospect, probably poorly-formed -- opinions on things. I guess you could say I was a lot more confident back then. (It makes me cringe how I was most confident when I was at my most ridiculous.)
And then, I guess, I matured a bit. Opinions that I'd so adamantly clung to didn't seem as solid anymore as I learned to see shades of grey. I became more reserved (less confident?) and more interested in what other people had to say rather than shoving what I thought in people's faces. Also, I really didn't like when people knew more about me than I did about them; it kind of made me feel like they had the upper hand, and that made me uncomfortable.
Another thing that bugged me was the whole putting-yourself-out-there thing. I have always maintained that, ultimately, I blog for myself and my own personal enjoyment. However, this is a public platform and literally any literate person with an Internet connection can access this blog and read it. Joseph Gordon-Levitt could be reading these very words. Or JK Rowling. Or the old headmaster of my primary school. I wouldn't be so big-headed as to think that any of them would have any interest at all in the goings-on of my life, but the fact remains that this is a public blog, accessible by anyone.
What I'm trying to say in the most roundabout way possible is that I fear judgement. This was something that particularly bugged me when I first came to Tassie (see previous paragraph about people knowing more about me than I do them), and I did consider stopping the post-new-posts-on-Facebook feature. In the end, I told myself that I was being stupid and I had nothing to hide, so I didn't. Back in Malaysia, though, I've had friends/acquaintances/family tell me that they found/read my blog, and it always made me uncomfortable. What are you meant to say? I'm usually torn between 'How?' and 'What'd you think?' but can never bring myself to ask either question; instead, I reply with a very eloquent 'Oh' as I furiously rack my brains for the last few posts on there.
Thirteen-year-old me would be so mad at current me for caring what people think; after all, doesn't today's pop culture tell us over and over to do what we want and not care about the 'haterz'? Ignorance is bliss, says current me. More and more, I'm learning that people's perceptions of you do matter, especially if you're going to be studying or working with them. I'm also learning that the carefree nature of youth doesn't sit well with adulthood (because of, you know, responsibilities and gross things like that).
Coming back to the point of this post, that's why I've been so awful at blogging now. It has crossed my mind to just outright stop (blogging isn't exactly the in thing right now, either), but I decided against it for two reasons:
1. I genuinely enjoy blogging and replying to comments.
2. My dad, who got me my domain name, would kill me.
I hope this little explanation thing has sort of made up for the lack of posts. If I were to be completely honest, though, I'm really blogging because I'm procrastinating. We've got our last exam of the semester in a few days, a couple of days after which I'm going home! I was initially going to blog about the exams, but this came out instead. Real, proper procrastination. But anyway, I had better get back to studying. Blargh.
P.S. I don't know when the next post will be, but I promise this won't be the last.
P.P.S. If you're reading this, thankyou.