Saturday, February 20, 2010

I don't mean to get all down over a Friends Exposed question, but...

For those not on Facebook, Friends Exposed is this application where you answer questions about yourself and your friends and post them to either your Wall or theirs. It's just for kicks, you know, since Facebook's all about publicising too many details about yourself anyway.

This is one of the questions I got:

If you needed someone at three in the morning, who would come right away
(Ignore, please, the absence of the question mark.)

If you asked me this a while back, I'd be jumping with answers. I can still think of the names, but don't want to say them here. Now, though, I stared at the screen, with not a single person in mind. It's sad, isn't it, how fast and how much people change and drift away from each other? Keeping in touch is so important, but I've learned that things will fade no matter how hard you try.

I don't know who'd be there for me at three a.m., I really don't. My conscience probably wouldn't let me wake anyone up at that hour, anyway. But still. Knowing that someone would sacrifice their sleep for me alone would make things a bit better at three a.m.

Over the years, I've become considerably more social (previously, I'd thought it was wrong to speak to someone first if you didn't actually know them) and expanded my circle of friends. Now it seems like I've sort of spread myself over such a wide network that I no longer sufficiently cover the ones who were really, really close. I don't know, maybe it was partly their doing as well, but the drifting apart was more of a natural thing than anything else. It just happened, as a lot of things do.

Does this mean I've become one of those people who has a lot of friends but only of the superficial variety? ):

A good friend (one of my best, actually) recently told me that I 'care too much', so I can't possibly be drifting away that much. I do care. I care a lot. For select people only. And, most of the time, it feels like I care about them a whole lot more than they care about me. It's not a very nice feeling.

If there's something every teenager has, it's the need (or longing, at least) to fit in, to belong to something. And, to be honest, I don't know where I belong. I'm like a mishmash of many different things, a sort of oddball -- a Janomaly. I love my current group of friends, but sometimes something happens to make me realise how much I stick out. Don't get me wrong, I do like to stand out. It's just...it'd be nice to have someone on my wavelength, you know?

I don't know where I stand with people; I have no idea what I mean to anyone. Probably I'm one of those people who need constant reminders that they are loved or whatever. Weak and soft and sensitive. The thing is, the people who tell me they care and will be there when I need them and all that are never there when I do. Most of the time, it's because they can't, but the fact is, they're not there. Things like that make you lose faith a little, yeah?

Is it stupid of me to want to tie myself to a few people forever and ever so as to not drift away from them? I know that friendships are cultivated and lost just like that at this age, but what happens when the rate of loss exceeds the rate of cultivation one day? What will I do then? I have my parents, but there are some things that feel right only when shared with people your own age, or close to it. And I am a very 'sharing' sort of person. Because I care, damnit.

Anyway, in answer to the posed question, I put this:
People who'd like to be the answer to this question, please like/comment on this post. And mean it.

It's been an hour, and no takers so far.

6 comments:

  1. Hello. It doesn't really matter the quantity of your friends, the quality is what's important. I had the same feelings too last year, when I felt like I didn't really belong in any cliques/groups. I still do, in my Samad circle of friends. And I try not to bother so much, because I know I have a set of close friends I can rely on. Keep the close ones close to you. They're the ones who'll be there for you at 3 AM. You'll be okay. If you're drifting apart from your friends, just reconnect! Go hang out or something.

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  3. Jan, I really mean it. Sometimes it feels like I`m not there or I`m acting like I don`t care or you feel that I don`t care about you, it`s really not that. Have you heard of people who love someone but doesn`t show it or express it but when you need help pr something they will be there for you??

    I had felt like this before. There will surely be someone who would always be there for you and care enough about you and everything. Everyone at least have one of this type of person.

    Recently, due to some health issue, I realised that soooo many people I didn`t know who would concern about me actually do concern about me. And TOO MUCH in fact. They went through all the troubles, making calls to relatives and friends and a friend of a friend, asking favour or help or advice just for me.

    It`s very nice to finally know that THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOU AND ALL. Just that you don`t know who they are yet. So be patient yeah? And just hang in there.

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  4. Yen Peng: Thanks, Yen Peng, for the solid advice. (: Idk, I've been thinking for a while now about my friends what what friendship mean to me and what I give and what I get. People have given me their opinions, and it's nice to see how widespread their opinions were. I'll be sure to keep the close ones close. (; Thankyou!

    E. N.: Idk if you'll read this, but you = win.

    Sze Li: Thankyou. It's just...idk. What's 'caring too much'? Is there even such a thing? It hurt a little bit when I got told that I do it. Everyone needs care. I've said this before, to Herman: Everyone needs care, and it's sad that people don't bother taking the time to express it, because it's important, no matter how many people choose to overlook it. I guess there are just diff styles of caring.
    And of course I care. I told my mom about it and she cares too. I care quite a bit. And I'm not sure if people actually realise how much I care about them.

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  5. Hey Jan, two days late but I wanted to comment anyway. I know this phrase is sorta getting tired, but I kinda know what you mean. THAT WAS SOO HACKNEYED OMG.

    Friendship is something really really special. It makes people who are completely and utterly unrelated come together. They spend time together, they care for one another, share their sorrows, and their hopes and dreams, etc and so on and so forth.

    But you're right, there are people who make friends for the sake of making friends, but end up without anyone really close to them. They know lots of people, they hang out with different friends here and there, but in the end, when they really need someone to be there, there isn't anyone.

    And I'm absolutely sure you're not one of them. I read your blog pretty often, and I know you have really good friends. Not the superficial types. The kind of friends who won't be irritated if you give them a call at 3am or something. The kind of friends who would be happy to help you out no matter what.

    That means they care. But how are they going to know that you need them if you don't reach out?

    For the record, I'm a light sleeper when my phone comes into the picture. Earthquakes can't wake me at 3am but my phone buzzing on the bedside table will. XD

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  6. It's so...awe-inspiring, almost, how that one post provoked people into going all wise and sage-like on me. Really. I think you all are way more deep than anyone gives you credit for.

    This is probably my doing, for not reaching out when I need it. I guess I'm just scared of looking/sounding all sad and pathetic, and bothering people. Issue.

    Haha! Aren't most of us teenagers that way? We are one with our phones. ;D But, yes, I have noted that fact. Thankyou, big brother! (:

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